#NOTokay

This story was going to go much differently. Ok, it’s not my story, but the story of the sexual assault my colleagues and friends. In all honesty, it’s not important whose story it is, or who the victim of harassment is. The fact is that there are too many victims, at too many companies that continue to perpetuate gender biases and inequality.

I was going to describe how ecstatic I was for the opportunity to start at a new job. I was going to set the scene of this wannabe progressive company; a startup that grew too big for its britches too quickly. I was going to detail the assault of multiple women by an overseas employee on a company trip. And I was going to recount my conversation with the CEO over the effects of that very event.

But why is that no longer the point of this story? Because in drafting it, I was reminded that life is short and we shouldn’t waste time and emotional energy on events of the past. They’re right. There are more valuable things to do with my time than complain about my job. But my emotional energy wasn’t exhausted from this one incident at this one company. In fact, it’s the trend at so many workplaces that’s made me so exhausted trying to survive as a professional woman in the landscape of sexual biases, harassment, and assault. So what I’m about to describe is not what one company did or didn’t do that made me decide to move to France. Instead, it’s what a number of people at a variety of companies did or didn’t do.

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Imagine that each story begins with the following: I was so excited to start with this company. The job came as a blessing at just the right moment. I’d heard only good things and couldn’t wait to get started and contribute.

Scenario A

I was young, the Graphic Designer in a small company. The office was growing and business was good. It was my task to train a new employee in the department. I was young, and I taught him just like I had been taught. We sat at the computer often, and I gave extra effort explaining all the tips and tricks that made the output of our photos and designs high quality. I was really proud of myself for being thorough and setting up a training schedule to help him progress quickly. Then shortly after we started, he began responding with, “Yes, ma’am.” It quickly made me uncomfortable and I considered it unfair that he mock me when I was trying so hard to help him. “Yes, ma’am, right away ma’am,” he continued, as he starts ignoring the steps we’d been going through. This wasn’t his personality. He wasn’t a ‘ma’am’ type of person, as we might imagine of a young southern boy who uses it to show respect. He was a 40-something year old Midwest man who didn’t know anything about respect… at least, when it came to me, a 20-year old girl. I asked him to stop using ma’am, and it was nearly impossible for him to stop. In fact, it gave him a chance to continue and then apologize in an even more mocking way.

I left for bigger and better and found out shortly after he was asked to leave the company. Why? He’d been put under the leadership of the new female head of marketing. And in similar fashion to our wonderful encounters, he proved unable to take direction from a woman.

He couldn’t respectfully work with woman leadership.

And the boss didn’t tolerate it.

Scenario B

I was sent to a conference out of state, best possible company-paid trip I could ask for. The owner of the company was along with another handful of employees. We’re at someone’s hotel room. All the employees were there, it was happy hour; the after-conference/before-dinner-and-drinks drink. We were hanging out in the doorway and room chatting. The owner began talking about me. “You’re so cute! Awkward silence. Oh come on, we’re all thinking it.” He wrapped his arm around my neck, pulled my head close to him and kissed me on the forehead. I walked away. Mind you, I was the only woman on the trip and was just unmistakably singled out because of it. And must I mention he was twice my age and married? Back at home, I was called into the office with the Director. I sat down with he and the offender and was told that someone had reported this inappropriate behavior. He apologized. He didn’t mean anything by it. I said, “I get it, we were drinking and I was the only woman on the trip.” He said, “Wait, you think this has anything to do with the fact that you’re a woman? I love all my employees and would do the same to any of them.” Ha. Okay. For the remainder of my time with the company, I was constantly reminded of this incident. He would approach and put his hand on my shoulder to congratulate a job well done, then would then instantly apologize, always in animated fashion. “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to touch you. Here, how about a handshake?” He did it verbally, meaning whoever was around would hear and so the harassment continues. Back to the meeting: He leaves and the director speaks, “So would you like to take legal action?” No, I say. Thanks for asking, but this isn’t the company’s only problem and it wasn’t that severe. I was young.

But it did resonate with me… “Do you want to take legal action?” It seemed a little too nonchalant, and as dysfunctional companies would have it, it was. There was a woman at the company that wasn’t all that great at her job because of her terrible attitude, yet at the same time, the perfect employee in that she knew the company’s ways. I was once told by leadership that, yes, she was a problem, but they had to keep her. Ignore the fact that for a superior to tell me that is extremely inappropriate. But they had to keep her because she was allegedly raped by the owner of the company. And, presumably, if they let her go, she would be armed and emotional enough to press charges.

He allegedly raped an employee at his company and continually harassed others.

And he was the boss.

Scenario C

I’m happy. I love my job and am trying to learn everything possible. One of the developers worked from home most of the time, but it was requested he start coming into the office because it was becoming difficult to work with him. He was disrespectful to most people, but dare I say he became even more inappropriate with women? What happened is that his gender biased soon translated into his inability to perceive me as a professional. If something I had delivered didn’t fit his expectations, there was no dialogue, it was just my fault because I of course I didn’t know what I was doing; I couldn’t know what I was doing, I was a woman. Sure, some of this was new to me as is true of any job, so I requested specifics often. “Tell me what you would like, and I guarantee I can do it.” He never stopped insulting everything I provided. I worked hard, and would have done anything to make this relationship run smoothly. Then our boss noticed one day that things were bad and insisted they get better. “You need to be happy here.” What? Who said I’m not happy? I continued to try as hard as I could to do my job well, be respectful, and make it work. But that wasn’t enough for my (also male) boss. He called the three of us into a meeting. He mediated, meaning he sat there as the 40-something year old verbally abused me for over an hour. “I can say whatever I want to because I’m free to have my opinions,” he says. I suggest to him that when you’re part of a team and if you want to earn the respect of others, maybe you should choose not to say certain things. “You’re the worst designer I’ve ever worked with,” he says repeatedly. I suggest that maybe if he’d been willing to collaborate with me, we would have been stronger, and I would have better understood his expectations. “I just don’t think anything’s going to change,” he says. I concur, with an attitude like that.

When this man started at the company and in first meeting the then only woman at the office, he called her a slut. They moved past it, and he was told it couldn’t happen again. Two years later, and shortly after our meeting, it was suggested that he leave the company. That maybe the team was best without him. Toward the end, it finally became more apparent to the men as well that his jokes and actions toward the women were different than those toward his male colleagues. But it wasn’t until another woman confirmed this that the boss understood and the man was let go.

He couldn’t respect women as equals or as professionals.

And the boss was temporarily blind to the discrimination one of his employees was exhibiting.

Scenario D

I was working the summer. Good money, tough job of physical labor. My friend had gotten hired at the same company, for the same job. We discussed our new job one summer day before it started and were excited to rake in some cash. Around the time of the first paycheck, I learned that his pay rate was much higher than mine. Something like 15% more. Well that’s bizarre, I thought. Neither of us had worked there before and if anything, I had a leg up having worked in a similar environment the summer before. I approached my manager and told him about it. “I’m just wondering why I’m making almost $2 less per hour than some other people here,” I say. “What? How do you know that? You’re not supposed to discuss pay with anyone else at the company.” “Okay,” I say “but I really don’t understand the reason and the only thing I can think of is that it’s based on gender.” He says, “I know. There’s nothing we can do about it.”

The owner was a senile man who’d had his leg in this company since the beginning. I knew him, in fact. He was the grandfather of an old friend, and every time he saw me at work, he would light up and begin talking about his granddaughter. But he was old, and he was someone with whom you couldn’t negotiate. And apparently, this meant salary and gender equality, too.

He refused to value women as much as men.

And he was the boss.

Scenario E

I’m months into this job, and it’s wearing on me. It’s fun, it’s good work, and I have friends. But it’s a little too much fun and a little too informal. What I thought would be my first ‘real professional experience’ with a ‘real HR department’ I’d realized is the least professional. And it’s evident in that the most intelligent colleagues I meet are the least happy here. My boss approaches me, as is rare these days, considering she figured out I prefer to do my work with my head down. She’s laughing and has a favor to ask me… she’ll send it. A minute later, I get a Slack message with an image of the Brokeback Mountain movie cover. They made a joke with an international employee last night at dinner… something about a Brokeback burger and homosexuality. I wasn’t there. “It would be really funny if you edited the photo and put his face on the cover. I want to send it to him.” Mind you, I’m overworked at this point in time, and if I don’t do this, I become unpopular with my boss, and if I do do this, I’m wasting time and also harassing someone I don’t even know. I respond, “We’re totally harassing this person, right?” “Oh, yeah!” she says. I explain that I don’t really feel comfortable doing this, given that I wasn’t at dinner, I’ve never met the man, and homosexual or not, this could be a very serious form of sexual harassment; not a joke. “Oh, that’s fine. I just asked.” And immediately, the request and photos were deleted from Slack, the instant messaging platform they were sent through.

A month later, she was the supervising manager on a company trip to Copenhagen that ended in the sexual assault of multiple women on my team. The assault was reported to her and the HR manager at the company. And the man has kept his job.

He sexually assaulted multiple women and was allowed to keep his job.

And the boss perpetuated unprofessionalism and acceptance of sexual harassment in the workplace.

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There are over 30 million companies in the U.S. today, and I have to believe the companies described above are not the majority. What they are is too small to get press and too small to have to enforce consequences. But these stories are no less real. The victims are no less hurt. And the problems are no less frequent. It almost seems that the larger the problem, the larger the risk for the company, and therefore, the less likely they are to do the right thing (?). I just can’t figure out the logic to any solution that isn’t taking grave action toward people who don’t know how to respect and treat others equally.

What I do know is that it’s extremely difficult to talk about this. It’s difficult to choose to stand up to your coworker or boss. But what I also know is it’s easier in numbers. Individuals get away with this and companies take the easy way out because they think they’re only affecting the small number of people. But if they know there is a much larger group of people that care and are willing to take action, I believe they’ll have no choice.

To the woman who told me, “Oh yeah, he does that to me all the time.” No, it’s NOT okay.

To the women thinking, “Wow, this company really doesn’t value me as much as they do him.” No, it’s NOT okay.

To the woman trying to survive the continual harassment of an all-male workplace. No, it’s NOT okay.

To the women scared of losing their jobs for speaking out. No, it’s NOT okay.

To the women wondering, “Maybe this was my fault?” No, it’s NOT okay.

There are good companies out there that make decisions every day to do the right thing. These stories describe what is wrong, they should be rare, and you do deserve better. We will make a difference and things will change, when we speak out. Tell someone when things are NOT okay.

#NOTokay